it is about time...

It's been a little while since I've written. I forget that writing is a necessary processing tool for me. I am in the process of deciding on graduate schools, trying to finish up the year with these children, and figuring out that I may be saying goodbye to a lot very soon. There is so much uncertainty looming ahead...for me, for my family, for the world...but, when is anything certain? This whole living, breathing, and following Jesus is full of uncertainty because WE are not supposed to know. We are called to walk, to leap, to hop sometimes, and even to be still at times to do what God has called us to do. Loving requires walking alongside others, sitting still to listen to someone's heart, hopping along, and sometimes letting them walk ahead while we stay behind.

We celebrated Easter yesterday and it was a good day...beautiful weather, family, good friends...all around pretty normal. I believe the celebration of Easter is essential for believers, but why don't we celebrate it every day...by the way we live? Christ rose from the dead years and years and years ago...but he rose not just to RISE and show everybody that he was right, but to LIVE in us. Jesus did not take the kingdom back up to heaven with him...he left us in charge of it! Overwhelming if you think about it--we have been entrusted with the kingdom, with the power, with his authority reigning, to bring hope to the hopeless, grace to the ones who need it, beauty to the ugliest things in this world, love to the unloveable....because Jesus didn't just rise once and for all, but rises in each of us and in others as we share his love with the world.

I need help with this--I need to remember the risen LORD is in me and isn't done...the kingdom is here and continues to come.

this is it...maybe

I went to Nashville this past weekend to sing in a wedding for a roommate (or housemate) from college and got to spend some time with some dear friends from college. Every time I am with people that I went to college with or that are from my life pre-teacher, I feel older and different. I feel like I have grown into myself so much in the last three or four years. I am also really proud of who we are becoming...hopefully that makes sense. Yes, I am not very far removed from college, but I feel like my life is worth something and that the work I do each day makes an impact. And as I look at people who meant a lot to me when we really had limited direction, except to have fun and enjoy our time together, I see others who are making a difference and who are using their lives well for the good of others.

We were at the wedding reception and then later downtown Nashville and I just felt so content and happy. My life is full. I am single and free and the possibilities are endless of what is to come. Yes, at moments that scares me so much that I want to cry, but most of the time, it gives me great joy because I realize that this time is a gift. This is a time that is wide open and full of meaning and of dreams realized and of trying to get it right. And maybe that is what life is at all points...we just have to realize it.

listening to our lives...

So, nursing home adventure this past Sunday=laughing, listening, learning, and saddening. We spent a little over an hour just visiting with the residents...met some pretty great people. Everyone has a story...we just have to realize that and listen. And in the listening, we find out that we're not so different. Those people in the nursing home lived so that we can live...and we will live and get old and die so that others may live. These lyrics from Jon Foreman keep playing in my head..."She's somebody's baby--somebody's baby girl. And she's somebody's baby still." I've sung that all week as I think about the kids I've been charged with this year...and for the random person I encounter. Our lives are wrapped up in so much--I feel like I go all of the time and that I have so much to do all of the time to get to the next step...I feel like I'm always asking God, "what's next?" But, in reality, I should be looking at what I've come from and what's happening now that will shape whatever is next. In the here and now...in the sitting with old people, listening to those around me, taking time to wipe a kid's nose, and these mediocre day in and day out activities, there is the kingdom, and there is the will of God...to be known by God and to know people...and not only to know, but to love. Love is constant, but it is not motion...it is the settling, the quiet listening, the silent prayers full of tears because we don't know what else to pray...because we have finally taken a lesson and maybe gotten something right.

Now for part 2...quote from Beuchner on Lent...

"In many cultures there is an ancient custom of giving a tenth of each year's income to some holy use. For Christians, to observe the forty days of Lent is to do the same thing with roughly a tenth of each year's days. After being baptized by John in the river Jordan, Jesus went off alone into the wilderness where he spent forty days asking himself the question what it meant to be Jesus. During Lent, Christians are supposed to ask one way or another what it means to be themselves.

If you had to bet everything you have on whether there is a God or whether there isn't, which side would get your money and why?

When you look at your face in the mirror, what do you see in it that you most like and what do you see in it that you most deplore?

If you had only one last message to leave to the handful of people who are most important to you, what would it be in twenty-five words or less?

Of all the things you have done in your life, which is the one you would most like to undo? Which is the one that makes you happiest to remember?

Is there any person in the world, or any cause, that, if circumstances called for it, you would be willing to die for?

If this were the last day of your life, what would you do with it?

To hear yourself try to answer questions like these is to begin to hear something not only of who yo uare but of both what you are becoming and what you are failing to become. It can be a pretty depressing business all in all, but if sackcloth and ashes are at the start of it, something like Easter may be at the end."

i always have thoughts...doesn't everybody?

I have a confession-I journal during sermons. I'm an active listener, ok? ha...but really, it is the time that I get a whole lot of my thoughts out and onto a concrete piece of paper. And most of the time, I go back and read and think, "wow, i really do believe that." So...here is one of my excerpts from a Sunday morning sermon series on being fishers of men.

James and John-Sons of Zebedee (great name)
"They immediately followed him, leaving the boat and their father behind."

The service that we have come to attend each week is not the act of following Jesus. To follow Jesus is a continuous sacrificial way of living. It is a community of exposure, honesty, and love that takes hard acts of self-sacrifice. It is leaving whatever we hold dear to find out what God holds dear. It is learning the art of compassion, the humility of mercy, and the embodiment of love and grace. When we truly follow, we do not necessarily need programs or tracts or church services because we change and realize that it is in the living out of who Jesus was and wants us to be that the true following begins. To follow, we must leave--that may be a physical leaving, an emotional leaving, even a spiritual leaving. When Jesus called James and John to follow, they were ready and willing. They may not have been ready for everything ahead--who is? But, something deep within them responded to the mystery they felt calling them to something greater than what was behind and in front of them. Jesus did not ordain them or speak to others about their accomplishments. He accepted them, knew them, loved them, empowered them, and helped them see who they were in the grand scheme of things. Jesus does the same for us, if we allow it.

A fisherman's job is hard and full of long days. Sometimes it takes a long time to catch one fish--sometimes you don't catch any at all. Fishing is dirty work--you have to be willing to get dirty and smell when it's done. Fishing requires silence and patience--two things I have not yet fully attained (and may never). We must listen and wait while following--that is movement that shows us and others that we have truly been caught.

on this day...

Today was a holiday--a day of rest and reflection. It almost felt like a mission year sabbath, but without all of the fun because many people were missing. But, anyway, today I have been very emotional. I don't know why...I'm not usually a very emotional person. But today brought with it a culmination of realization, history, hopes of the past, present, and future, of dreams that have been realized. I'm beginning to learn that dreams are realized daily--some in big, visible ways, and others in small, unseen ways. God gives us the ability and even gift to dream, because in dreaming, we see thoughts, ideas, and hopes that are bigger than ourselves...bigger than our world. Perhaps in dreaming, we see a glimpse of the Kingdom...and if we dream, the Kingdom can come a little closer to us. The Kingdom full of unimaginable love, always giving grace, tender mercy, never-ending hope, and beautiful, colorful dreams. I hope that we embrace the dreams God gives us in moments that seem huge and grandiose and in moments that seem small and insignificant. And I want, more than anything, to embrace the dreams of those around me as my own...because if we can't help each other dream then what are we here for anyway? May we keep dreaming, keep hoping, and keep fighting for all that is possible.

something to think about...

this hit me this week when i read it...thought i'd share...

"The temptation is always to reduce life to size. A bowl of cherries. A rat race. Amino acids. Even to call it a mystery smacks of reductionism. It is the mystery. As far as anybody seems to know, the vast majority of things in the universe do not have whatever life is. Sticks, stones, stars, space--they simply are. A few things are and are somehow aware of it. They have broken through into Something, or Something has broken through into them. Even a jellyfish, a butternut squash. They're in it with us. We're all in it together, or it in us. Life is it. Life is with. After lecturing learnedly on miracles, a great theologian was asked to give a specific example of one. 'There is only one miracle,' he answered. 'It is life.'

Have you wept at anything during the past year?
Has your heart beat faster at the sight of young beauty?
Have you thought seriously about the fact that someday you are going to die?
More often than not do you really listen when people are speaking to you instead of just waiting for your turn to speak?
Is there anybody you know in whose place, if one of you had to suffer great pain, you would volunteer yourself?

If your answer to all or most of these questions is No, the chances are that you're dead."

-Frederick Buechner, Listening to Your Life

whew...may we be truly alive.

the holidays...

I've had two wonderful weeks away from the kiddos...although i catch myself talking about them quite a lot. I return to work tomorrow with much to do, i'm sure as we all can attest to. I spent Christmas with my family and one nice thing about being born on Christmas day is that you are always with family. We traveled down to Florida to spend time with my grandparents and my aunt, uncle, and cousin. We made many new memories and wrote down many quotes from my grandma...my sister and i slept on the pull out bed with THE BAR...it's become a tradition now to need a back adjustment every holiday. Right after getting back, my sis and I headed up to Atlanta and she was gracious enough to take me to the airport Monday morning at a very awful hour! I flew to San Francisco to visit with Grace and see what all this talk is about the West coast...it was wonderful! I wish I had seen Grace's life, family, and city before we lived together and did Mission Year....in fact, it would have been helpful to see everybody's place of existence PRE-mission year. Those girls are forever a part of me--it was as if we had never left each other and that is how i always feel when we get back together. We ATE, ATE, and ATE some more, visited Berkley, the bridge of course, went bowling, saw the Sound of Music Sing-A-Long (AHHHHMAZING), hiked, celebrated Grace's mom's birthday, ate too much crab to even tell you, i ate an oyster (steamed thankfully), played rock band, saw trolley cars and Lombard Street, walked along Pier 39 and Fisherman's Wharf, and countless other things! It was a great trip and more importantly, it was time with a dear friend.

Back to school tomorrow...