I Went to Princeton...

Well, not really, but for a whole day...

Just got back this past week from a road trip up to Princeton to visit its seminary for my friend, Molly. We drove and drove and drove through six states from Saturday-Monday...yeah...whew.

But, it was totally worth it. We were M&Ms for Halloween up at James Madison University in Virginia and then, up in Princeton, we took tons of pictures of the beauty of Autumn and of that place. It really makes you think, "does this really exist?" It was so beautiful and it just made me want to read while I was there. We walked around the downtown area Sunday night and ate delicious food and ice cream. Then on Monday, we went to chapel on campus, then to lunch, and finally a nice tour.

The visit up there was somewhat of affirmation for me--the kind that made me realize that I don't want that. I do want to ask hard questions. I do want to be surrounded by people who are trying to figure it out. I do want to be surrounded by beauty. And I am. Those desires have come to fruition where I am and they can come to fruition wherever I am.

One of the things that was unsettling was the affluence so evident there. But, I also have come to this point of realizing that poverty is not just a physical state--it is represented in each of us. We must see the poverty within ourselves before we can address the poverty in others. And it is in this community of relationship that we can begin to meet poverty that we discover and that others can respond to our poverty.

It's a simple, yet complicated life we've been called to live...so here are some pictures...

Home again...

I recently went back to Georgia for a quick visit that colleges like to call "Fall Break." Apparently, schools in California don't get this indulgence. Regardless, I appreciate our school's desire to celebrate this beautiful season. The leaves are changing and falling at the same time. I realized last week that I've been walking with my head down or straight ahead to whatever is directly in front of me. I haven't been looking around a whole lot lately. So, this past week I have tried to look around. The problem is, when I look around, I see what I don't want to see. I see need. I see things that I need to respond to. I also see beauty in nature and beauty in others. Yesterday morning I was walking to work and glanced over my shoulder to see a couple of tree lining the street that were the most brilliant color of orange. I think the sun was shining on them at that moment and they never looked so beautiful, even though they will change and have to go through the whole process again.

We must change. We must never be so content that we don't see the need in and around us. We need change and seasons to be reminded of all that was and all that is to come.

Fall break was great. I got to be in the Peanut Parade...you have no idea how many times I have told people that and they've said, "What is that?!" ha...they just don't know! I got to see teachers and students at the school, dear friends whose kids I love and who change too quickly, and my own wonderful family who let me relax and just sit with them. Bethany, Jamie, Melonie, and I all met up on my way back up to TN in Atlanta for lunch. Jamie has become Poppy--he brought us all apples from North Georgia. It was so great to just sit with these people God has connected me to so deeply...and it felt like we were grown up...my brother is married and none of our parents were there. Weird.

Ok...done here...more to come from the road trip that I'm about to embark upon!

POSSUM!

Thought it was time for a little story time with Melodie...and a light one at that.

Today I was walking Banjo, the dog...he is quite the hyper dog and likes to sniff out everything. So, every day for the past week he has sniffed at this one spot along the walking trail. Well, today I wasn't paying attention and half of his head disappeared into the grass/growth along the trail. So, being the great dog walker that I am, I yanked and yanked on the leash until he came out of the hole. The whole time I was yanking I was thinking, "what if there's a snake in there or something."

Well, out of the hole pops Banjo with a........POSSUM in his mouth!!! You read that correctly...a possum...huge possum...like eyes bulging and huge rat looking thing...possums are way gross.

So I immediately start running away from banjo and p-doodle the possum....when I realized that I'm still holding the leash and that I have to keep holding the leash because I'm responsible for this crazy dog who is holding a possum in his mouth! So I just jump up and down, scream, and generally freak out...and it worked. Banjo dropped the possum and started running WITH me away from the, what I thought was, dead p-doodle.

But, oh no...p-doodle possum was not dead...when we came back, p-doodle was back in his hole or somewhere else! I thought bulging eyes p-doodle was dead when banjo found him, but I was wrong...he was just playing possum.

Exciting News!

I don't know why, but I am continually surprised when God answers me and prepares the way that I could never have seen. I moved back to Jefferson City, Tennessee to pursue my Masters in Teaching English as a Second Language about two weeks ago and in that short time, God has affirmed me being here over and over again.

I found out this past Monday that I received a Graduate Assistantship so school is paid for and I get paid to work for the Education Department during the week! Talk about a load off!

Today was the third Sunday at the same church and each Sunday, my eyes have welled up with tears because of a fullness of Spirit I feel when I'm there.

I've already hung out with my Sunday School class multiple times since being here.

I got frustrated yesterday over not having a desk yet...I know...crazy to freak out about. So I went to a few thrift stores and couldn't find anything and when I was in the car, I thought, "Okay...why are you freaking out? Just wait...you will fine one...don't rush this...be patient." Today, a friend asked me if I needed anything and I almost said, "Nope...I'm fine." But, instead thought about the desk....she thinks she has a few I could pick from for free. It's the little things that are huge.

Oh and Wednesday, I got a call from the church I'm attending to do child care that night, so now I have a job on Wednesday night keeping babies for a few hours....and I get a free meal! I was so pumped about that...girl's got to eat!

I saw my cousin Jeff the other day and he said, "Do you think maybe God wanted you here?"

Yeah, I do.

it's official!

I now abide in the Volunteer state once more...moved up last week and it's been a great transition so far. Church on Sunday was just deep and rich and prepared...I heard this song that I haven't heard in AGES...

"Hard as it seems, standing in dreams...Where is the dreamer now?
Wonder if I wanted to try, would I remember how?
I don't know the way to go from here, but I've already made my choice...
This is where I'll stand until he moves me on
And I will listen to his voice.

This is the faith--patience to wait when there is nothing clear.
Nothing to see, but still we believe Jesus is very near.
I cannot imagine what will come, but I know that I have made my choice
And this is where I stand until he moves me on
And I will listen to his voice.

Could it be that he is only waiting there to see
If I will learn to love the dreams that he has dreamed for me?
Can't imagine what the future holds,
But I've already made my choice
And this is where I stand until he moves me on
And I will listen to his voice."

Yep...that about sums it up.

to good friends...

Just a note to all of you out there who have been there for me...not to get sentimental and all, but praise God for you. You have carried me through much, even if you don't know it. Love is strong and actions performed because of love, even small ones, speak volumes to the heart. We have support in each other and that's a beautiful thing. Love to you all...and a special shout out to John and Ginger who make my photography skills a little easier. ;)

summer update...

I feel like the past week and a half has been quite the whirlwind. I went up to ATL to my sister's on Friday, picked Grace up from the airport Saturday, and drove down to Sylvester on Sunday. Grace and I toured Sylvester (which took a total of 10 minutes) and Albany on Monday...ate pink hot dogs with coleslaw, delicious cookies, and vegetables fresh out of the garden, and walked by the river with big oak trees. Tuesday we headed to the Ichetucknee River and floated down it with two friends....it was a delight. You know when you have those almost perfect days when everything seems right with the world...it's when we allow simplicity to have its way...glorious. We floated, laughed, flipped over in our tubes, talked, and just enjoyed the day. Wednesday, Grace and I headed back to ATL and spent some time with Sherikaboo...we went to the MLK, Jr. Center/campus that afternoon and ran into people from Chicago...go figure...Dr. Perkins was there. We stayed in the AC while they had a nice (i'm assuming) memorial outside and we decided that Scoretta King may have existed. We hung out like we've never left each other and like three years has not passed between us. Thursday we ate at Waffle House...mmm...and then Grace and I headed to THE AMERICAN IDOL auditions in ATL...hahaha...we were soooo pumped! We sat outside for hours hoping to see "dreams die here" (quote directly from Grace). It wasn't as dramatic as we hoped, but wow...just to be outside! There are some crazies out there. Then we headed to the Coca Cola Museum and tasted every coca cola product...haha...wish I had video of that! Then we walked downtown and found the Patriotism Museum...AHHHH MAZING! There will be pictures...don't you worry! Then I reluctantly drove Grace to the airport....wah wah. Friday my sis and I headed to Sylvester and stayed until Sunday when I drove her back and headed back home Monday.

See...whirlwind, right?!

Throughout the week, I was reminded time and time again how wonderful it is to know people and to be known. It's so easy to be with certain people...it felt so natural to be around Grace again...almost to the point that I take it for granted...you know? This happens with some people I've known all of my life and others that I have just started to get to know...it is such a blessing...and so filled with the Spirit that I almost miss it sometimes.

This ordinary, every day comfort of good friends and people to love and to be loved by is such an intricate part of the kingdom and is so natural...sometimes I wonder if that's why we miss the kingdom so often?

changes...

Tomorrow will make one official week of being "out of school" and I have been bored out of my mind. I know, I know...most people would be so grateful to have time off of work...especially this much time and I am, but I am finding it hard to fill the hours and days. Working with four and five year old children does something to you--almost makes you one of them! I find myself unable to sit for long periods of time, looking for what is next, etc....at school we are constantly moving, constantly doing, constantly in a stage of awareness of everything! Anyway, so that's my life right now...trying to fill the days...laundry, cleaning, reading, exercising, and shopping (yes...i said it and I hate it). I'm trying to write, to gather my thoughts and try to send them off to someone who may think they are worth something. I am figuring out that I may be a decent writer, but the schedule a writer keeps is not for me...I don't have discipline to get up, write for a few hours, do something else, write some more, and so forth. I need structure. I like schedules and routine. I don't think I knew this about myself fully until recently.

Now to the changes looming...I am going back to school, back to Carson-Newman in TN to get my Masters in Teaching English as a Second Language. This is a major step after being at home for three years...yes, three years. I can't believe it has been that long since I moved home from Chicago. Whew...a lot has changed since then. The family is experiencing changes as well--my brother is getting married in August...we always said he would be first! He is marrying a girl that is amazing and fits into our family perfectly...all of those prayers were heard and answered long ago. Jamie has always been special to me...my boy baby as I called him when I was little...we don't talk a whole lot (he doesn't talk a lot to begin with), but we have an unspoken closeness if that makes sense. Our small family of five will soon grow and change...I knew this day would come, but it's just strange to think about. Bethany, my sis, will be leaving her job in August or at the end of August and has no idea what she is going to do. And my parents are trying to figure things out...my dad is interviewing for teaching positions and we are all hoping to hear something soon.

So...changes all around...prayers would be greatly appreciated.

it is about time...

It's been a little while since I've written. I forget that writing is a necessary processing tool for me. I am in the process of deciding on graduate schools, trying to finish up the year with these children, and figuring out that I may be saying goodbye to a lot very soon. There is so much uncertainty looming ahead...for me, for my family, for the world...but, when is anything certain? This whole living, breathing, and following Jesus is full of uncertainty because WE are not supposed to know. We are called to walk, to leap, to hop sometimes, and even to be still at times to do what God has called us to do. Loving requires walking alongside others, sitting still to listen to someone's heart, hopping along, and sometimes letting them walk ahead while we stay behind.

We celebrated Easter yesterday and it was a good day...beautiful weather, family, good friends...all around pretty normal. I believe the celebration of Easter is essential for believers, but why don't we celebrate it every day...by the way we live? Christ rose from the dead years and years and years ago...but he rose not just to RISE and show everybody that he was right, but to LIVE in us. Jesus did not take the kingdom back up to heaven with him...he left us in charge of it! Overwhelming if you think about it--we have been entrusted with the kingdom, with the power, with his authority reigning, to bring hope to the hopeless, grace to the ones who need it, beauty to the ugliest things in this world, love to the unloveable....because Jesus didn't just rise once and for all, but rises in each of us and in others as we share his love with the world.

I need help with this--I need to remember the risen LORD is in me and isn't done...the kingdom is here and continues to come.

this is it...maybe

I went to Nashville this past weekend to sing in a wedding for a roommate (or housemate) from college and got to spend some time with some dear friends from college. Every time I am with people that I went to college with or that are from my life pre-teacher, I feel older and different. I feel like I have grown into myself so much in the last three or four years. I am also really proud of who we are becoming...hopefully that makes sense. Yes, I am not very far removed from college, but I feel like my life is worth something and that the work I do each day makes an impact. And as I look at people who meant a lot to me when we really had limited direction, except to have fun and enjoy our time together, I see others who are making a difference and who are using their lives well for the good of others.

We were at the wedding reception and then later downtown Nashville and I just felt so content and happy. My life is full. I am single and free and the possibilities are endless of what is to come. Yes, at moments that scares me so much that I want to cry, but most of the time, it gives me great joy because I realize that this time is a gift. This is a time that is wide open and full of meaning and of dreams realized and of trying to get it right. And maybe that is what life is at all points...we just have to realize it.

listening to our lives...

So, nursing home adventure this past Sunday=laughing, listening, learning, and saddening. We spent a little over an hour just visiting with the residents...met some pretty great people. Everyone has a story...we just have to realize that and listen. And in the listening, we find out that we're not so different. Those people in the nursing home lived so that we can live...and we will live and get old and die so that others may live. These lyrics from Jon Foreman keep playing in my head..."She's somebody's baby--somebody's baby girl. And she's somebody's baby still." I've sung that all week as I think about the kids I've been charged with this year...and for the random person I encounter. Our lives are wrapped up in so much--I feel like I go all of the time and that I have so much to do all of the time to get to the next step...I feel like I'm always asking God, "what's next?" But, in reality, I should be looking at what I've come from and what's happening now that will shape whatever is next. In the here and now...in the sitting with old people, listening to those around me, taking time to wipe a kid's nose, and these mediocre day in and day out activities, there is the kingdom, and there is the will of God...to be known by God and to know people...and not only to know, but to love. Love is constant, but it is not motion...it is the settling, the quiet listening, the silent prayers full of tears because we don't know what else to pray...because we have finally taken a lesson and maybe gotten something right.

Now for part 2...quote from Beuchner on Lent...

"In many cultures there is an ancient custom of giving a tenth of each year's income to some holy use. For Christians, to observe the forty days of Lent is to do the same thing with roughly a tenth of each year's days. After being baptized by John in the river Jordan, Jesus went off alone into the wilderness where he spent forty days asking himself the question what it meant to be Jesus. During Lent, Christians are supposed to ask one way or another what it means to be themselves.

If you had to bet everything you have on whether there is a God or whether there isn't, which side would get your money and why?

When you look at your face in the mirror, what do you see in it that you most like and what do you see in it that you most deplore?

If you had only one last message to leave to the handful of people who are most important to you, what would it be in twenty-five words or less?

Of all the things you have done in your life, which is the one you would most like to undo? Which is the one that makes you happiest to remember?

Is there any person in the world, or any cause, that, if circumstances called for it, you would be willing to die for?

If this were the last day of your life, what would you do with it?

To hear yourself try to answer questions like these is to begin to hear something not only of who yo uare but of both what you are becoming and what you are failing to become. It can be a pretty depressing business all in all, but if sackcloth and ashes are at the start of it, something like Easter may be at the end."

i always have thoughts...doesn't everybody?

I have a confession-I journal during sermons. I'm an active listener, ok? ha...but really, it is the time that I get a whole lot of my thoughts out and onto a concrete piece of paper. And most of the time, I go back and read and think, "wow, i really do believe that." So...here is one of my excerpts from a Sunday morning sermon series on being fishers of men.

James and John-Sons of Zebedee (great name)
"They immediately followed him, leaving the boat and their father behind."

The service that we have come to attend each week is not the act of following Jesus. To follow Jesus is a continuous sacrificial way of living. It is a community of exposure, honesty, and love that takes hard acts of self-sacrifice. It is leaving whatever we hold dear to find out what God holds dear. It is learning the art of compassion, the humility of mercy, and the embodiment of love and grace. When we truly follow, we do not necessarily need programs or tracts or church services because we change and realize that it is in the living out of who Jesus was and wants us to be that the true following begins. To follow, we must leave--that may be a physical leaving, an emotional leaving, even a spiritual leaving. When Jesus called James and John to follow, they were ready and willing. They may not have been ready for everything ahead--who is? But, something deep within them responded to the mystery they felt calling them to something greater than what was behind and in front of them. Jesus did not ordain them or speak to others about their accomplishments. He accepted them, knew them, loved them, empowered them, and helped them see who they were in the grand scheme of things. Jesus does the same for us, if we allow it.

A fisherman's job is hard and full of long days. Sometimes it takes a long time to catch one fish--sometimes you don't catch any at all. Fishing is dirty work--you have to be willing to get dirty and smell when it's done. Fishing requires silence and patience--two things I have not yet fully attained (and may never). We must listen and wait while following--that is movement that shows us and others that we have truly been caught.

on this day...

Today was a holiday--a day of rest and reflection. It almost felt like a mission year sabbath, but without all of the fun because many people were missing. But, anyway, today I have been very emotional. I don't know why...I'm not usually a very emotional person. But today brought with it a culmination of realization, history, hopes of the past, present, and future, of dreams that have been realized. I'm beginning to learn that dreams are realized daily--some in big, visible ways, and others in small, unseen ways. God gives us the ability and even gift to dream, because in dreaming, we see thoughts, ideas, and hopes that are bigger than ourselves...bigger than our world. Perhaps in dreaming, we see a glimpse of the Kingdom...and if we dream, the Kingdom can come a little closer to us. The Kingdom full of unimaginable love, always giving grace, tender mercy, never-ending hope, and beautiful, colorful dreams. I hope that we embrace the dreams God gives us in moments that seem huge and grandiose and in moments that seem small and insignificant. And I want, more than anything, to embrace the dreams of those around me as my own...because if we can't help each other dream then what are we here for anyway? May we keep dreaming, keep hoping, and keep fighting for all that is possible.

something to think about...

this hit me this week when i read it...thought i'd share...

"The temptation is always to reduce life to size. A bowl of cherries. A rat race. Amino acids. Even to call it a mystery smacks of reductionism. It is the mystery. As far as anybody seems to know, the vast majority of things in the universe do not have whatever life is. Sticks, stones, stars, space--they simply are. A few things are and are somehow aware of it. They have broken through into Something, or Something has broken through into them. Even a jellyfish, a butternut squash. They're in it with us. We're all in it together, or it in us. Life is it. Life is with. After lecturing learnedly on miracles, a great theologian was asked to give a specific example of one. 'There is only one miracle,' he answered. 'It is life.'

Have you wept at anything during the past year?
Has your heart beat faster at the sight of young beauty?
Have you thought seriously about the fact that someday you are going to die?
More often than not do you really listen when people are speaking to you instead of just waiting for your turn to speak?
Is there anybody you know in whose place, if one of you had to suffer great pain, you would volunteer yourself?

If your answer to all or most of these questions is No, the chances are that you're dead."

-Frederick Buechner, Listening to Your Life

whew...may we be truly alive.

the holidays...

I've had two wonderful weeks away from the kiddos...although i catch myself talking about them quite a lot. I return to work tomorrow with much to do, i'm sure as we all can attest to. I spent Christmas with my family and one nice thing about being born on Christmas day is that you are always with family. We traveled down to Florida to spend time with my grandparents and my aunt, uncle, and cousin. We made many new memories and wrote down many quotes from my grandma...my sister and i slept on the pull out bed with THE BAR...it's become a tradition now to need a back adjustment every holiday. Right after getting back, my sis and I headed up to Atlanta and she was gracious enough to take me to the airport Monday morning at a very awful hour! I flew to San Francisco to visit with Grace and see what all this talk is about the West coast...it was wonderful! I wish I had seen Grace's life, family, and city before we lived together and did Mission Year....in fact, it would have been helpful to see everybody's place of existence PRE-mission year. Those girls are forever a part of me--it was as if we had never left each other and that is how i always feel when we get back together. We ATE, ATE, and ATE some more, visited Berkley, the bridge of course, went bowling, saw the Sound of Music Sing-A-Long (AHHHHMAZING), hiked, celebrated Grace's mom's birthday, ate too much crab to even tell you, i ate an oyster (steamed thankfully), played rock band, saw trolley cars and Lombard Street, walked along Pier 39 and Fisherman's Wharf, and countless other things! It was a great trip and more importantly, it was time with a dear friend.

Back to school tomorrow...