settling in...

The cold has begun to settle in here in East Tennessee...we didn't have much of spectacular Autumn this year. The leaves changed quickly and are falling quickly now. I sat outside for around four hours today...even through the sleet/flurries of the day.

It's cold, but it's beautiful. The air is fresh and crisp and the wind makes my eyes smart in a way that makes me feel awake. Joy and beauty are in every season. And with each season come memories...when it gets cold, I miss certain people more. I miss dear ones from Chicago, remembering the survival of those many months of harsh weather, but warm moments that allowed us to share our hearts with each other and hot chocolate and warm cookies and such. I turned on Little Women today to ring in the cold weather.

On a more general note, I am student teaching and have about 5 weeks left...6 weeks until graduation. I will be officially "hooded" December 17...can it be? I need a job. Praying and hoping for the best.

The other day I was reminded of what being here is all about--not just in this place, but wherever I am. I have been so busy with a huge paper, student teaching, church, etc, that I haven't been paying attention to those around me very well. The other day I was reminded of how important it is to practice the act of presence through two students who needed someone to listen and to care enough to look at them with an ounce of compassion. Don't we all need that sometimes? People, no matter their culture, look for listening ears, kind eyes, and genuine hearts. I hope I can be that for someone every day in some tiny way.

a few summer memories...

I couldn't help this...a few memories from childhood summers...

The summer that we moved to Sylvester, we moved into a three bedroom, Florida-style, white block house (with crank out windows) in the middle of NOWHERE...I mean nowhere...you couldn't find the house if you didn't know where it was. You had to turn down a lane to get to the house, down a dirt road, surrounded by a canopy of trees and woods...and of course, cotton fields.

Well, after moving there, Daddy wasn't working so he took care of the three of us. He made us read for something atrocious like 2-3 hours a day. Every now and then he would take us to Jimmy's hot dogs in downtown Albany and we would sit down by the river and eat our red hot dogs full of chili and cheese, or chili and slaw (my favorite) on the grass, surrounded by moss covered oak trees. It was a glorious time with Daddy.

One day we were tired of reading and feeling the effects of the Georgia heat in July. We were new to the area, but Daddy heard that there was a blue hole somewhere in the county. The county is pretty big, so we started out on an adventure to find this magical blue hole that would cool us off and make us the happiest children within a thirty mile radius.

We piled into our grey Pontiac Lemans, possibly one of the worst cars ever made. As you can guess, the air conditioning didn't work and we were sticking to the seats as we road all over the back roads of the county, in desperate search of the infamous blue hole. We rode for what seemed like hours, but in all actuality was probably half a hour. We couldn't find it. We were so disappointed and hot!

All of the sudden, we spotted water ahead...hitting the road. I am going to say it--an irrigation system was shooting water onto the road. Daddy pulled off of the road and with raised eyebrows said, "Want to get in?" My brother and I popped out of the car immediately while our sister sulked in the front seat with a look of "oh my gosh, how embarrassing. I would never do that." My brother and I stood, in our swim suits, on the edge of the road and waited with expectant faces for the water to hit us. I am giggling as I write this--the water finally came around and pelted us hard and brief and we squealed with delight. I think my dad had a better time watching us than anything else. I think eventually my sister joined in the fun, even if it was out of desperation for something to cool her off.

We never found that infamous blue hole, although I still hear about it pretty often, so I guess it does exist. We did find each other that summer, standing on the side of the road waiting to get hit by chemical enriched water.

so long...

Well, it has been a long time coming for this post...I think I've gotten to a point that I need to write so here goes...

I've been reflecting a lot lately...I am a thinker, reflector, yada yada, but summer usually brings back a flood of memories and time to debrief. I finished all of my coursework for grad school last week and only have student teaching to complete before graduating in December 2010. I can't believe it. I have said so many hellos and goodbyes in the past year.

Let's go back one year--I was sitting in the hospital with my sister in Atlanta, praying that we would make it home for my brother's wedding. I still can't believe all of that happened. I was preparing to say goodbye to home and friends and to say hello to Tennessee, old friends, and a new world of grad school.

In the past year, I have seen my brother become more of the man he is meant to be, support his wife in the loss of her mother; I have gained a sister-in-law that knows my heart more than most people; I have watched my sister take an amazing journey of faith that is real and breathing and full of discovery; I have walked alongside my parents to see true healing come after many years of hurt; I said goodbye to my granddaddy; I said hello to 27 around the same time; I have been embraced by a community of believers here that have supported me in amazing, tangible ways; I said hello to some of the dearest friends from all around the world that I will ever know; and I said goodbye to two of them which pretty much guarantees that I will be in Spain some time in the near future. And I am about to say goodbye to my roommate and hello to another one. I am full.

I am where I am. I am present here. Life is messy and complicated and simple and beautiful all at once. What a gift God has given me--to be present to people, no matter if we are together or miles away. That's what the Spirit does for us...always present if we only look and see...or stop and breathe. Loss and gain...love and struggle...it is all in his grasp.

Praise God for the mess. Thank you to those who have embraced mine and let me embrace yours.

light bulb....

Epiphany today...I am a small child.

I eat ham and cheese sandwiches for lunch...and applesauce, peanut butter crackers, and bananas...

I'm ok with it.

Loss..

I recently lost my granddaddy...he was 91 years old and so cute...maybe older men don't like to be called cute, but he just was. A few days before he died, I talked to him on the phone and he sang "In my heart there rings a Melodie" as he always did when he saw me or heard my voice. The way he loved me astounded me at times--we are not related by blood, but by spirit. Here are a few things I wrote about him...

"My granddaddy is someone who knows my heart.
Our souls speak quietly to each other while we stare silently into each others' eyes.
He loves me fully and has prayed for me since the day I became his granddaughter.
Years ago, God surprised me by giving me a granddaddy I never expected to have.
He wove his way into our family and before we knew it, he had stolen our hearts.
When he prays, tears come from deep within me
At the thought of how blessed I am to be loved by him.
Because the love he gives is bigger than him--
it is a love found deep in his heart,
where his true melody of the Holy Spirit dwells."

Walking through the loss with my family was truly a joy. It is in the hard moments that I realize how fully I love my family and how much we need each other. Life is hard a whole lot of the time. God has given us each other to walk through it together. Granddaddy lived so that I could. What a beautiful thing.

I Went to Princeton...

Well, not really, but for a whole day...

Just got back this past week from a road trip up to Princeton to visit its seminary for my friend, Molly. We drove and drove and drove through six states from Saturday-Monday...yeah...whew.

But, it was totally worth it. We were M&Ms for Halloween up at James Madison University in Virginia and then, up in Princeton, we took tons of pictures of the beauty of Autumn and of that place. It really makes you think, "does this really exist?" It was so beautiful and it just made me want to read while I was there. We walked around the downtown area Sunday night and ate delicious food and ice cream. Then on Monday, we went to chapel on campus, then to lunch, and finally a nice tour.

The visit up there was somewhat of affirmation for me--the kind that made me realize that I don't want that. I do want to ask hard questions. I do want to be surrounded by people who are trying to figure it out. I do want to be surrounded by beauty. And I am. Those desires have come to fruition where I am and they can come to fruition wherever I am.

One of the things that was unsettling was the affluence so evident there. But, I also have come to this point of realizing that poverty is not just a physical state--it is represented in each of us. We must see the poverty within ourselves before we can address the poverty in others. And it is in this community of relationship that we can begin to meet poverty that we discover and that others can respond to our poverty.

It's a simple, yet complicated life we've been called to live...so here are some pictures...

Home again...

I recently went back to Georgia for a quick visit that colleges like to call "Fall Break." Apparently, schools in California don't get this indulgence. Regardless, I appreciate our school's desire to celebrate this beautiful season. The leaves are changing and falling at the same time. I realized last week that I've been walking with my head down or straight ahead to whatever is directly in front of me. I haven't been looking around a whole lot lately. So, this past week I have tried to look around. The problem is, when I look around, I see what I don't want to see. I see need. I see things that I need to respond to. I also see beauty in nature and beauty in others. Yesterday morning I was walking to work and glanced over my shoulder to see a couple of tree lining the street that were the most brilliant color of orange. I think the sun was shining on them at that moment and they never looked so beautiful, even though they will change and have to go through the whole process again.

We must change. We must never be so content that we don't see the need in and around us. We need change and seasons to be reminded of all that was and all that is to come.

Fall break was great. I got to be in the Peanut Parade...you have no idea how many times I have told people that and they've said, "What is that?!" ha...they just don't know! I got to see teachers and students at the school, dear friends whose kids I love and who change too quickly, and my own wonderful family who let me relax and just sit with them. Bethany, Jamie, Melonie, and I all met up on my way back up to TN in Atlanta for lunch. Jamie has become Poppy--he brought us all apples from North Georgia. It was so great to just sit with these people God has connected me to so deeply...and it felt like we were grown up...my brother is married and none of our parents were there. Weird.

Ok...done here...more to come from the road trip that I'm about to embark upon!