Day 3 of Reflections

I apologize for the delay in my reflections...it's not because I was slacking, but because I have no internet access at home and had to wait for the weekend to pass to get back on!  :)  So, three days at once here we go!

Saturday, December 3

Every morning of the week, I have a rather lengthy commute, around 35 minutes to school.  Most mornings I am wrapped up in my own thoughts or so zoned out that I don't even pay attention to my surroundings...getting down the road is my aim.  But, last week, there was one morning that I looked up and gave attention to the mountains.  They were absolutely breath-taking...they were a crisp blue and so defined against the morning sky.  I gasped slightly and tears welled in my eyes.  I was overcome by creation, by the simplicity of something that is there every day, waiting for me to notice...

I wanted to take a picture...to capture the moment.  But, all of a sudden, I drove into the valley and the mountains became veiled by thick, dense fog.  The moment was gone, the beauty had disappeared...but had it?  I had this light bulb moment when I realized that faith is the same...God gifts us with these moments of clarity--we see clearly for an instant, we don't doubt, we are immersed in the presence of God, we see, but for a moment, the beauty of God...

And then it is veiled...we experience death, we have a bad day, we pray and feel like the prayers rain back down on us, we stumble through steps of faith....and yet, we must remember the beauty that we once beheld...because it is there...just hidden perhaps for a moment.

Day 2 of Reflections...

Most of you know that I was born on Christmas Day...more years ago than I care to admit now...and it was definitely a surprise to my parents who expected my arrival in February. I wonder if Jesus was a premie? Had Mary's nine months come to an end? Or did God surprise her and the rest of the world with an early arrival? My mom wasn't prepared for me...but obviously, I came. The world wasn't prepared for Jesus to come as he did, but he came. He still comes, whether we are prepared or not.
But, as in the birth of any child, my mom experienced a gift like no other...of a child...of her own flesh...but also not of herself...
How much more did Mary experience as she carried the Son of God in her womb and then gave birth to him? Of herself, but of God? Blows my mind...


Christmas has always been a special holiday for my family...joy has always been an element present in our family around this season. As a child, it was always busy...Daddy was preparing for the Christmas cantatas, Mama was cooking, groups at church were preparing gifts for families, and on and on. In all of this busy-ness, Mama and Daddy started traditions which have become central to my recollections of the season.



I don't remember my first Christmas of course...we have many traditions...we open gifts from siblings on Christmas Eve...we eat crab stew and broccoli cornbread on Christmas Eve because that's what my mom had when she went into labor with me...and for many years we went to people's houses as a family to carol outside their doors on Christmas Eve.  Sometimes, the "kids" went reluctantly, but we always ended up with bright smiles on our faces after seeing what a few songs and blended voices did for the people to whom we sang. 


I was teaching Preschool Choir the other night...can't get away from those 4 and 5 year olds....I read a story about a college student who went to Senegal and painted the Bible stories that were told to women in a small group.  I told the kids...God can use whatever you're good at to tell others how much Jesus loves them...not everyone is a painter or singer, but God can use so many things--there was a doctor in the room, a teacher, and much more.

Today, I thought about my little voice and how my parents taught me from a very early age to use it for God's glory.  I've come a long way since my first Christmas carol "Away in a Manger" that never was sung to the congregation when I was three years old.  It was never about the "audience," but about the few that received our sincere gifts that brought joy, not only to them, but to a small family practicing the art of tradition.  And aren't the gifts that we have received the most joy from ones that seemed small at the time?  A baby doll, a note from a friend, a pie prepared especially for us, a kind word, a warm hug...these are the things that make up a rich life....a baby boy born so long ago...may we not lose sight of these precious gifts.

25 Days of Reflections...Day 1

In an attmept to save myself from the hustle and bustle of this season, I have committed myself to writing a reflection every day leading up to Christmas Day.  I recognize the need to stop and see this season differently than ever before...to marvel, to wonder, to be reminded of why I believe.

It's hard to stop.  It's hard to take a breath in between Christmas parties, shopping excursions (although if you know me, you know that doesn't happen often), cooking and baking treats, presenting Christmas programs, and rushing here and there.  The harsh reality is that, as believers, something is missing.  Our culture has sucked us into a virtual vacuum of candy canes, ribbons, bows, piped in Christmas carols, and twinkling lights.  Instead of allowing those things to enhance our mysterious belief, I have let them take over my wonder and joy of the season. 

This week, I was reading the lyrics to "Come Thou Fount"--"Tune my heart to sing thy praise."  I started praying, Lord, tune my heart for this season.  It starts there--in the place we once chose to allow God to dwell.  And if God is dwelling there, it is full of goodness and light.  Tuning requires work on the part of the one tuning.  It also requires an instrument that is abandoned to the work of the one holding it.  We must let go to allow God to make us better.

Last week, we sang the familiar carol, "O Come, O Come Emmanuel."  It's one of my favorite carols...not because of sentiment...it has become a favorite in the last few years as I have begun to recognize the messiness of this life.  The carol has somewhat of a daunting, eerie sound to it, and then bursts forth with the proclamation "Rejoice!  Rejoice!  Emmanuel shall come to us O Israel!" 

Christmas time does not erase the mess of life--there are still hungry people, there are people who have plenty and yet are sad, people die, others mourn, babies are born,...life continues.  And isn't that the point?  Life didn't stop when Jesus was born so long ago.  Most people didn't even know that he had come into the world.  A few's hearts were tuned well enough that they heard his cries for creation and came to see this most peculiar King in the form of a baby cooing to the cows and donkeys.  And what a surprise....a baby breathed his first breath in a dirty cave, among animals.  Young, scared parents received him.  God enters our lives and is WITH US in all things.  Sometimes it's scary to let God in--into the mess, the questions, the uncertainty, the joy, all of it--but if we do, we will Rejoice!  Rejoice! at how beautifully tuned our hearts are to God's purposes and workings in and through us.

It's that time again....how does it happen?!

How does Christmas come more quickly every year? Am I starting to sound old? :)

Anyway, I always try to gather some thoughts amidst the craziness of the season....so here goes...

I was considering the role of the shepherds the other day in the whole birth of Jesus and wrote down some ideas about what they must have felt.

We had just gotten up to do the night shift--
the graveyard shift as a shepherd, watching over the fields by night.
This is the lowest of the low, but we have to make it,
so we work and hope for something better some day.

On this particular night, we were visited by unlikely guests--
most people are scared of the dark, but we've gotten used to the vastness of the open skies, the bleating of the sheep,
and the sounds most people run from in terror.
On this dark night, we became immobilized by light....fear gripped us as the skies lit up around us...
It took us a while to realize that we weren't in fact dreaming;
We were surrounded by a haevenly host, proclaiming the birth of the hope we had been waiting for.
We couldn't believe that it was all true, but hope was enough to make us pick up our staffs and walk in faith to the child.

As we journeyed, we kept trusting in each step and hoping that what we heard was true.

We arrived as we left---
dirty, poor, and with nothing to give but out worship of the hope deep inside us that was now in the form of a baby boy.
And all we could do was bow and worship.

If we stop for a minute, we will realize that as God called to the shepherds, he calls to each of us--in our poor, dirty states, we are called to come, to walk, to run to meet the hope found in Christ...not because we are good, or wealthy, or wise,

But because we have enough need deep within us to seek something better, something that gives light (sometimes with a little fear) and hope.....

May we realize our deep need and meet the one given for ALL of us...and as we see our own need, may our eyes be opened to the need all around us, in the lives of those he loves.

settling in...

The cold has begun to settle in here in East Tennessee...we didn't have much of spectacular Autumn this year. The leaves changed quickly and are falling quickly now. I sat outside for around four hours today...even through the sleet/flurries of the day.

It's cold, but it's beautiful. The air is fresh and crisp and the wind makes my eyes smart in a way that makes me feel awake. Joy and beauty are in every season. And with each season come memories...when it gets cold, I miss certain people more. I miss dear ones from Chicago, remembering the survival of those many months of harsh weather, but warm moments that allowed us to share our hearts with each other and hot chocolate and warm cookies and such. I turned on Little Women today to ring in the cold weather.

On a more general note, I am student teaching and have about 5 weeks left...6 weeks until graduation. I will be officially "hooded" December 17...can it be? I need a job. Praying and hoping for the best.

The other day I was reminded of what being here is all about--not just in this place, but wherever I am. I have been so busy with a huge paper, student teaching, church, etc, that I haven't been paying attention to those around me very well. The other day I was reminded of how important it is to practice the act of presence through two students who needed someone to listen and to care enough to look at them with an ounce of compassion. Don't we all need that sometimes? People, no matter their culture, look for listening ears, kind eyes, and genuine hearts. I hope I can be that for someone every day in some tiny way.

a few summer memories...

I couldn't help this...a few memories from childhood summers...

The summer that we moved to Sylvester, we moved into a three bedroom, Florida-style, white block house (with crank out windows) in the middle of NOWHERE...I mean nowhere...you couldn't find the house if you didn't know where it was. You had to turn down a lane to get to the house, down a dirt road, surrounded by a canopy of trees and woods...and of course, cotton fields.

Well, after moving there, Daddy wasn't working so he took care of the three of us. He made us read for something atrocious like 2-3 hours a day. Every now and then he would take us to Jimmy's hot dogs in downtown Albany and we would sit down by the river and eat our red hot dogs full of chili and cheese, or chili and slaw (my favorite) on the grass, surrounded by moss covered oak trees. It was a glorious time with Daddy.

One day we were tired of reading and feeling the effects of the Georgia heat in July. We were new to the area, but Daddy heard that there was a blue hole somewhere in the county. The county is pretty big, so we started out on an adventure to find this magical blue hole that would cool us off and make us the happiest children within a thirty mile radius.

We piled into our grey Pontiac Lemans, possibly one of the worst cars ever made. As you can guess, the air conditioning didn't work and we were sticking to the seats as we road all over the back roads of the county, in desperate search of the infamous blue hole. We rode for what seemed like hours, but in all actuality was probably half a hour. We couldn't find it. We were so disappointed and hot!

All of the sudden, we spotted water ahead...hitting the road. I am going to say it--an irrigation system was shooting water onto the road. Daddy pulled off of the road and with raised eyebrows said, "Want to get in?" My brother and I popped out of the car immediately while our sister sulked in the front seat with a look of "oh my gosh, how embarrassing. I would never do that." My brother and I stood, in our swim suits, on the edge of the road and waited with expectant faces for the water to hit us. I am giggling as I write this--the water finally came around and pelted us hard and brief and we squealed with delight. I think my dad had a better time watching us than anything else. I think eventually my sister joined in the fun, even if it was out of desperation for something to cool her off.

We never found that infamous blue hole, although I still hear about it pretty often, so I guess it does exist. We did find each other that summer, standing on the side of the road waiting to get hit by chemical enriched water.

so long...

Well, it has been a long time coming for this post...I think I've gotten to a point that I need to write so here goes...

I've been reflecting a lot lately...I am a thinker, reflector, yada yada, but summer usually brings back a flood of memories and time to debrief. I finished all of my coursework for grad school last week and only have student teaching to complete before graduating in December 2010. I can't believe it. I have said so many hellos and goodbyes in the past year.

Let's go back one year--I was sitting in the hospital with my sister in Atlanta, praying that we would make it home for my brother's wedding. I still can't believe all of that happened. I was preparing to say goodbye to home and friends and to say hello to Tennessee, old friends, and a new world of grad school.

In the past year, I have seen my brother become more of the man he is meant to be, support his wife in the loss of her mother; I have gained a sister-in-law that knows my heart more than most people; I have watched my sister take an amazing journey of faith that is real and breathing and full of discovery; I have walked alongside my parents to see true healing come after many years of hurt; I said goodbye to my granddaddy; I said hello to 27 around the same time; I have been embraced by a community of believers here that have supported me in amazing, tangible ways; I said hello to some of the dearest friends from all around the world that I will ever know; and I said goodbye to two of them which pretty much guarantees that I will be in Spain some time in the near future. And I am about to say goodbye to my roommate and hello to another one. I am full.

I am where I am. I am present here. Life is messy and complicated and simple and beautiful all at once. What a gift God has given me--to be present to people, no matter if we are together or miles away. That's what the Spirit does for us...always present if we only look and see...or stop and breathe. Loss and gain...love and struggle...it is all in his grasp.

Praise God for the mess. Thank you to those who have embraced mine and let me embrace yours.